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Dating – My Blog
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Dating, love, Relationships, Uncategorized
Here lately I’ve been involved in many different conversations with women regarding the treatment they receive from the men their dating. It appears there seems to be some disconnect on both ends regarding expectations that should be or are set when in the dating phase. The question I always have is whether or not the two have identified what phase they are even in, Dating or Courtship? First and foremost, there is a difference between dating and courting. Many don’t either clarify this fact, or even believe this to be true which I find fascinating.  I find this fascinating simply because without clarity, how does one truly know where they are headed? How do you know if you are aligned properly with someone if you are not clear on their intent? Especially when embarking on any type of relationship be it personal or professional. So let’s clarify the two shall we?   Dating couple Dating- A couple, to be in the early stages of a relationship where they go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple. dating couple 2 Courtship- Courting is the experience of developing a deep relationship with someone, with a view to seeing if marriage is right for the couple, without the complexity of sexual intimacy being part of that relationship. Enabling each to find out everything about each other, developing unconditional love and trust, with out rushing things, to decide if this really is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Alright, now that we have clearly identified the differences, let’s talk about setting the tone for intent. For the ladies…. Believe it or not, you set the tone in which you are treated. An individual can only do what YOU allow. This isn’t just in the case of dating/courtship with men, but in all areas of relationships. You allow someone to treat you poorly, they will. You allow someone to take advantage of you, they will. When in the dating phase you must remember, you’re only task is to get to know the man. Don’t go so far ahead of yourself by putting your eggs in one basket seeing one guy. You shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone at this point so there should not be a problem with you seeing other people. Until THAT MAN steps up and asks you to be with him solely (move to the courting phase), it’s open season for anyone to be considered. This does not make you hoe-ish nor thirsty, it makes you WISE. Be selective with your time and careful with your heart. You are precious, treat yourself as such. This leads me to my next point, NO MORE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE! You will NEVER capture any man’s heart by feeding his flesh; even if you can cook! Flesh is flesh. What capture’s most men I have talked to is an ability to speak to his heart. Think of a mother son relationship and the power it can have on a man’s growth and confidence. His mother speaks to his spirit. She often feeds his ego, yes, but the biggest area a mama feeds is her ability to see all he can be (his spirit). She speaks to his gifts and talents. She reprimands him when he strays from who he is and comforts him when he has tough times. Now I don’t want you to take on mama’s role, but I do want you to start thinking like a mama would. Meaning, how can you possibly speak into any man if you don’t truly know him? How can you correct him to help him get back on track if you have no idea what he’s made of. You don’t find this out by sleeping with a man; you find this out by hanging with him in his natural environments. Learning his friends and family, seeing him in his element. That takes an investment in time and time is a commodity you can’t afford to play with, so just like your body use it with great care. As you get to know the men you’re “dating”, you then can determine who should have more and more of your time. You determine the amount, but you do not demand it be done! Ladies to often we demand more of men we are “dating” than we should. If a man wants to see more of you, trust me, he will let you know. If he does not, this is why “dating” is what it is, you can keep it moving! As you cross over into the courting phase, you will then be able to set more expectations with one another that both can agree to and grow from within the relationship. Move too soon (meaning you push him to be exclusive) and you could lose out on a good thing. This is why “dating” is so important for a woman to learn to do. It’s a great way of guarding your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and an avenue to use often to avoid unnecessary drama. For the men… We ladies love to be girly. Even the most strongest and independent of us still LOVE to be girly. It’s the essence of who we are. When you speak to the little girl in us (saying things like “hello beautiful or “where’s that beautiful smile today”) it gives us the warmth of what it is to feel pretty. It’s highly welcomed when done right (that’s another topic for another day) and goes a long way. When I say cherish the little girl, I am saying be able to see what makes her unique from any other woman. Be able to pinpoint what makes her tick and speak to it. This gives you major brownie points! Now when it’s time to lead the lady, you need to be direct and play no games. If you are only interested in a hang out buddy, say so. If you are not in a place to pursue more than a friendship, say so. If you think she’s nice and a great catch but just not for you, SAY SO. Don’t play the game of hopefully she’ll get the hint and go away, it’s a cowardly move and you’ll look weak. Because here’s the deal, once you burn the bridge with a GOOD WOMAN, there is no rebuilding. So be wise in your walk regarding her.  On the flip side, when you know you want to cross over to the courting phase (you see true potential in marriage), BE CLEAR! Just make it known. Say things like “Are you seeing anyone else? If so, I don’t want to see anyone else but you so how can we make that happen?” Or “Encase you didn’t know already, you’re the only woman I am seeing. If you’re not doing the same, can we be exclusive?” (Just trying to help my shy brother’s out) By making it clear where you want to take things, you are leading the lady. Oh and can I mention, whenever you are courting your lady, maintain her security. To lead a lady, she must feel secure with the man she is with. That means honoring your word and when you fall short owning up to it versus redirecting it on something or someone else; especially when the someone else is HER! Be productive (have a career game plan or business in place your pursuing or building), I’m sorry most independent women are not interested in the “Come up brother”.  You know the one who is working on his business plan, but not implementing or showing any advancement in it. Ah no! Not going to work. When stressful situations hit, she needs to know that you know how to bounce back. In other words show her your resiliency. She needs to know that you can handle stress when it comes and how to partner with you as you lead the way out of it.  Yea, that part is crucial. Lastly, fella’s PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t tell the lady you want to lead what she wants to hear all the time. Tell her what she NEEDS to hear balanced with what she wants to hear. When you walk in truth you allow her to see that she can trust that you have her best interest at heart in good and bad times. That my friends speaks volumes to a woman! So as you continue on in your pursuits of healthy relationships; remember ladies and gents to do your best to speak and walk in truth and be clear on your intent. By doing so, you will save yourself much heartache and headache! Wishing You Peace and Prosperity Cole
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Dating, love, Relationships
It’s been a long time since we’ve last chatted. My goodness has it! We won’t talk about how long, let’s just move on shall we? So in my attempts to make the world of dating a better place, I am spreading a little dating advice for my ladies (sorry guys, I will have another post for you in the near future. Stay tuned!) Having been married for 10 years with two kids a house and dog (yea that part right there), and spending time out here in the dating world in today’s time, I have found that the way people go about dating these days has DRASTICALLY changed. Gone are the days of batting your eyes, glancing his way a couple of times, laughing at his jokes and telling his friends how awesome you think he is in order to let him know you’re interested. No my friends, we now have the side piece, call me shorty, friend with benefits, marriage is a business dating era. And as crazy as it may sound, I actually sympathize with any woman who has been in any of these titles. Why? Because often times the reason she even allowed herself to become subjected to this type of treatment, was mainly due to the lack of healing she did not gain from previous relationships. So the cycle continues and unfortunately leaves the woman who “just wants to find a good guy” stuck with a DUD! So what is a DUD? Thanks to my big brother, I have grown very fond of acronyms. So out of my dating experience I have deemed the DUD to be a Drastically Underdeveloped Date. Now before you go having a conniption fit, let me explain what I mean by drastically underdeveloped.  Let’s take a little word stroll: 1.      They don’t know what they want yet, but they know it when they see it (even though in most cases what you see isn’t what’s real) 2.      They are just looking for someone to chill with, nothing too serious. (Ok seriously? I can chill at home alone. I don’t need a partner for that) 3.      They are a serial online dater, looking for the next nice nightly hookup (Eww! That’s all I got for that one) 4.      They are looking for a well-established woman to “build” with as they come up in their vision (reality is they don’t really know what their vision is and you having one helps him look good until he figures it out) 5.      They are in a committed relationship (wife or courtship) but it just isn’t doing it for them completely. You understand them and they want to be friends. Totally innocent and platonic. They just need someone to help them work through the relationship difficulties (ok so this isn’t even dating, but I can’t tell you how many times during girlfriend convo’s I hear about this type of snare) I could go on and on with these scenarios but they all end with the same theme…a D.U.D! So how do you avoid them? Well to be honest I haven’t found that you can avoid them, the right question to ask is how to handle them when they arise. Here are some ways I decipher and dispose of a D.U.D. Be upfront about who you are and what you’re about women standing strong From the way you position yourself physically by way of your posture, facial expressions, clothing style, and even your vernacular, they all tell a story about who you are. Do your best to make sure the story you’re telling through these different means lines up with who you are inside. It all matters! Be who you are not what you think one wants to see. Be nice nasty when it’s needed…  jennifer anniston smirk This one is my fav! Only because I get to be classy but still sassy and throw them off all at the same time! Ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t get enjoyment off of being mean. But there is a time when one takes your kind heart or kind way of telling them no as a challenge to try again, and THAT is where the nice nasty trick comes in handy. When a person keeps trying to get their agenda accomplished with you after it has been clearly laid out that it’s not going to happen, then you give them the nice nasty. The nice nasty is a simple way to make your intent clear but with an added “I’m not kidding, stop!” tone to it. You can say things like “So you’re just going to keep at it after I’ve already told you huh? That’s not smart.” Then smirk. Or “See I know you have sense, I’ve witnessed it. So I’m going to reiterate what I said just encase you weren’t clear. Umm K?” (Insert smirk). Are you getting the point now? It’s a tough toned sentence with the body posture that’s pleasant. It’s being sarcastic with style. beyonce strut Just walk away and leave them where they lay! A person can only be so nice for so long. You can only have so many conversations and flip no so many types of ways. What you will end up doing is keeping yourself in their endless cycle of “chase” that you’re not trying to be a part of if you don’t just stop interacting and walk away. The key to getting a behavior to stop is to not encourage it. Stop answering their calls or responding to their text messages. Stop smiling when they try and talk to you about keeping that thing they call a “relationship” or “dating” going. Put it all to a halt! They will get it and move on to the next possible victim (and I hope they get smart and do the same as you). Now if this guy just keeps trying with you…well that’s another topic that will have to be addressed for the future (It’s called Craaazyyyy!!). For now, when dealing with DUD’s try to remember you attract what you are and if you don’t want what you attract, check what you’re placing out there and change it. Much Love Stay Resilient Pursue Passions and Be Intentional In All That You Do! Cole
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Dating, love, Relationships
If you know anything about soul food, you know that it gives you a feeling internally that is unmatched when prepared by the right hands. The atmosphere it’s prepared in usually feels like home, the aroma of it makes you smile from ear to ear as you envision what it will be like when you finally get a bite of it. Once eaten, this type of food leaves you immensely satisfied. What if you could get that same feeling when you connect with ones soul? Is it possible? Of course it is!!! Often times I hear from women that dating in the world today is getting more and more tricky. Finding the one person to build a life with has become more contractual than conceptual, time passing not fulfilling. Seemingly a big game of adult play. Or is it? Have we become so inundate in being the better versions of “Bradgelina” (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie), “Benifer” (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez  yea I know you forgot about them huh?) the fun loving ever embracing of all people The Smith’s (that would be Will and Jada) or the monopolizing power couple “Jay and Queen B” (if you didn’t know that’s Jay Z and Beyonce), that we want the “appearance” of a great relationship, but not the work of one. Are we so caught up in the “what it should look like” phenomena that we no longer know how to make soul connections? It appears that the digital, instant relationship status on Facebook desires have turned us into robotic beings when it comes to building lasting relationships. So how do you break this and gain more? How do you know if you have a long lasting love or a lustful liar. I’m so glad you asked, here are my thoughts: Don’t rush into anything!!! Image result for rushing into a relationship images We women are great at stating a solid case to our girlfriends to the point where we have them so convinced, even the most obvious signs of trouble are missed because we’ve came up with reasons why they aren’t. Sloooooow down! To the girlfriends who hear their love struck friends, be honest and take the risk to hurt temporarily in order to save her from great pain later.
  1. Develop a friendship- Can I talk to you? Candidly? Be myself completely? Are we like minded? Communication is huge!! Don’t make excuses if it’s difficult.
  2. No Sex! Sex messes our brains up ladies. We are emotional creatures. Once we put sex on the table we have distorted our view to see clearly with the feeling that sex gives. The sex becomes more desirable and we miss what the person is showing us about their true character. It can wait.
  3. Skip timelines and seek peace and purpose ties- Is there more peace or chaos when you two collide? Is there purpose being fulfilled or purpose being delayed? Do you see them manifesting things in their life or are they just doing whatever you’re into with no direction of their own? (This really matters for goal driven women. Pay attention) Often times we get caught up with how much time has passed or how much time we’ve waited to have someone, that we focus more on that than the compatibility component.
  4. Moving in together with talks of marriage and no ring, major NO! NO!- Ok so I am going to ruffle some feathers here by being old school. A man who prepares a home for you can lead you (strong independent woman). A man who moves into yours will be led by you. I have talked to countless women who have been the leader of many relationships and they will tell you; if he can’t have a home/business/purpose on his own and invite you into it, he isn’t ready to build another with you! If you desire a man to lead you, if you desire to have security that goes beyond his finances, you must see how he leads without you. How does he handle adversity without you? How does he bounce back from setbacks without you? How does he care and provide for himself without you!? You can’t see it if your combing finances, homes etc. early on. My suggestion? Give yourself a year minimum before you even think of teaming up. A year passes quickly (look at 2016 and how 2017 is moving), give time the chance to reveal true character. Don’t allow desperation to distract you from destiny and ultimately cause you great destruction. It/he can wait!
Above all these suggestions and words of wisdom I’ve obtained from the very pitfalls of life I’ve experienced, let the word of God guide you. To help kick it off for you, here are some scriptures to meditate on and use when applicable. 1 Timothy 3:12: “A deacon must be faithful to his wife and must manage his children and his household well.” Proverbs 14:23: “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” I love that one because it is so plain; basically if he talks more than he proves RUN! There is nothing more painful than to get involved with anyone that does more talking than doing and ultimately fills you up with hopes of a great life with them only to find that they don’t want to truly put in the work required to have that life. Do yourself a favor, look to have a soulful connection that transcends way beyond physical touch, it is by the fruits of the spirit that you will know where their heart truly lies. For many want to be married but not for the same nor right reasons. Happy soul searching!! Cole  
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Dating, Relationships
Have you ever played the “I can be what you need me to be” role? Have you ever found yourself in limbo with a person, position, or decision that you had to make and found it simpler to play in the grey? When I say play in the grey, I am saying you actually live, breathe, eat, sleep and play in a role that is NOT you. You say you can “just be friends” when in reality you yearn to know what its like to be more. You say you are ok with taking on a position or role that is way beyond your experience or desires of choice; while inside secretly wanting something or someone else. So why do we do this? Why do we often try on 50 Shades of Grey? Is it fear of losing? Is it the unbearable thought of having to go it alone in something? Is it due to lack of belief that you can or should ask for or have more? Or could it be just a matter of comfort and predictability? No matter the reason 50 Shades of Grey is NOT OK. Here’s why: 1) The only person who ever gets hurt or damaged will be you
  • The person or entity you are playing in the grey for will reap much reward, while you suffer by not being true to self
  • Being in the grey is a place of instability. You will never truly know where you stand for grey is always complicated
  • You deny yourself the chance to be truly happy and fulfilled by sacrificing your desires for someone elses
2) You are not in control when you play in the grey
  • Manipulation is the key player in this role. It does not play fair and it controls you by using your desires against you
  • Deception is what you fall prey to both as the player and the opponent. You are not who you say and the battle you fight is within to maintain a role that does not fit you nor is good for you
  • Emotions run extremely high like a roller coaster ride. At any time the tide can turn and immense pain and suffering can and will appear
No matter how you slice it Grey is meant to Prey on your weaknesses and cause you to deter from your desires and needs. When seeking a relationship with anyone, both personal or professional I advise you to be black or white. You will remain clear on the intent of the individual and you will not have to play any games to gain the ultimate goal desired. If you mix black and white for a shade of grey, you are only asking to be placed in an endless cycle of plans that go nowhere fast. Grey may get you laid, but can and will get your heart slayed. Grey may even get you paid, but will devalue and degrade. Grey can seem to work just fine for a great amount of time, but in the end grey always leaves you left behind. My friend I tell you this with all sincerity and with a soft plea, 50 Shades of Grey is NOT OK. How do I know? 50 Shades of Grey was me. Cole
3

Dating, Relationships
Hmmmmm?? What the heck are you talking about right? Double D’s? Yes I said it! Double D’s do you have them? First off, let me start off by saying I am NOT talking about your bra size. I am actually talking about Desire and Depth. Think about it when we start dating someone or choose to go out on a date with an individual, often times we have something in mind that we DESIRE. Whether its marriage, companionship with sex (yes I said it and many are looking for just that alone), lots of stability (aka men/women with money no love needed), a sense of entitlement, or just a hanging buddy to have a good laugh with. No matter what the desire we ALL DESIRE something!!!  Now the question then becomes to what DEPTH are you willing to go to gain what you DESIRE? Some of us have no depth at all, meaning we don’t think that much into it. Some of us have a great deal of depth and we can sometimes put too much thought into it. Either way, they come into play at some point in the process of interacting with one another. I am having the most interesting time figuring out what ones DESIRES and to what DEPTHS they wish to pursue those desires with me? I am a divorced mother of two and dating with kids IS NOT an easy tasks. There are so many variables that have to be considered when taking things to the NEXT level. This is why having those double d’s in mind are so important. I would even say for those who don’t have kids, you have a gamble you are taking as well if you don’t place those two areas into focus. Why? Well let’s look at it this way, when you have children, a business, a vision/dream you are raising/building, the last thing you need is someone who throws the entire unit off balance. You must know what you desire from them and to what depths you are willing to exchange with them in attaining it. So to help you find, keep and maintain your Double D perspective, here are some quick steps to take: 1) Desire- Rate on a scale of 1-10 how important this is to you and don’t change it according to the person in front of you at the moment. It is what it is and if they don’t fit, don’t try to make it work. 2) Depth- Decide how much time should be dedicated to see this desire fulfilled. Will it take 2 dates, 2 months of dating, 2 years of dating? How long are you willing to wait to see it come to pass? Also how much energy in that time frame are you putting into this person? Again this all depends on the time frame in which you want to see your desire fulfilled. 3) Respect- Only you know how important these desires are to you. No one will respect, cherish or honor your aspirations like you will. You also must learn to disagree agreeably with those who don’t wish to walk the path with you. Everyone isn’t your match made in heaven and that’s ok. And that’s it! If you were looking for more I am so sorry to disappoint you. Honestly life really doesn’t have to be that complicated and my goal is to help you see the simplicity in it. What you desire in life is your right and makes up who you are. Everyone isn’t going to want to tag along and in other instances many may. What you have to decide is who is deserving of being a part of your inner most DESIRES and to what DEPTHS you are willing to go to let them in. Much love! Cole
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