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Relationships – My Blog
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Dating, love, Relationships, Uncategorized
Here lately I’ve been involved in many different conversations with women regarding the treatment they receive from the men their dating. It appears there seems to be some disconnect on both ends regarding expectations that should be or are set when in the dating phase. The question I always have is whether or not the two have identified what phase they are even in, Dating or Courtship? First and foremost, there is a difference between dating and courting. Many don’t either clarify this fact, or even believe this to be true which I find fascinating.  I find this fascinating simply because without clarity, how does one truly know where they are headed? How do you know if you are aligned properly with someone if you are not clear on their intent? Especially when embarking on any type of relationship be it personal or professional. So let’s clarify the two shall we?   Dating couple Dating- A couple, to be in the early stages of a relationship where they go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple. dating couple 2 Courtship- Courting is the experience of developing a deep relationship with someone, with a view to seeing if marriage is right for the couple, without the complexity of sexual intimacy being part of that relationship. Enabling each to find out everything about each other, developing unconditional love and trust, with out rushing things, to decide if this really is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Alright, now that we have clearly identified the differences, let’s talk about setting the tone for intent. For the ladies…. Believe it or not, you set the tone in which you are treated. An individual can only do what YOU allow. This isn’t just in the case of dating/courtship with men, but in all areas of relationships. You allow someone to treat you poorly, they will. You allow someone to take advantage of you, they will. When in the dating phase you must remember, you’re only task is to get to know the man. Don’t go so far ahead of yourself by putting your eggs in one basket seeing one guy. You shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone at this point so there should not be a problem with you seeing other people. Until THAT MAN steps up and asks you to be with him solely (move to the courting phase), it’s open season for anyone to be considered. This does not make you hoe-ish nor thirsty, it makes you WISE. Be selective with your time and careful with your heart. You are precious, treat yourself as such. This leads me to my next point, NO MORE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE! You will NEVER capture any man’s heart by feeding his flesh; even if you can cook! Flesh is flesh. What capture’s most men I have talked to is an ability to speak to his heart. Think of a mother son relationship and the power it can have on a man’s growth and confidence. His mother speaks to his spirit. She often feeds his ego, yes, but the biggest area a mama feeds is her ability to see all he can be (his spirit). She speaks to his gifts and talents. She reprimands him when he strays from who he is and comforts him when he has tough times. Now I don’t want you to take on mama’s role, but I do want you to start thinking like a mama would. Meaning, how can you possibly speak into any man if you don’t truly know him? How can you correct him to help him get back on track if you have no idea what he’s made of. You don’t find this out by sleeping with a man; you find this out by hanging with him in his natural environments. Learning his friends and family, seeing him in his element. That takes an investment in time and time is a commodity you can’t afford to play with, so just like your body use it with great care. As you get to know the men you’re “dating”, you then can determine who should have more and more of your time. You determine the amount, but you do not demand it be done! Ladies to often we demand more of men we are “dating” than we should. If a man wants to see more of you, trust me, he will let you know. If he does not, this is why “dating” is what it is, you can keep it moving! As you cross over into the courting phase, you will then be able to set more expectations with one another that both can agree to and grow from within the relationship. Move too soon (meaning you push him to be exclusive) and you could lose out on a good thing. This is why “dating” is so important for a woman to learn to do. It’s a great way of guarding your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and an avenue to use often to avoid unnecessary drama. For the men… We ladies love to be girly. Even the most strongest and independent of us still LOVE to be girly. It’s the essence of who we are. When you speak to the little girl in us (saying things like “hello beautiful or “where’s that beautiful smile today”) it gives us the warmth of what it is to feel pretty. It’s highly welcomed when done right (that’s another topic for another day) and goes a long way. When I say cherish the little girl, I am saying be able to see what makes her unique from any other woman. Be able to pinpoint what makes her tick and speak to it. This gives you major brownie points! Now when it’s time to lead the lady, you need to be direct and play no games. If you are only interested in a hang out buddy, say so. If you are not in a place to pursue more than a friendship, say so. If you think she’s nice and a great catch but just not for you, SAY SO. Don’t play the game of hopefully she’ll get the hint and go away, it’s a cowardly move and you’ll look weak. Because here’s the deal, once you burn the bridge with a GOOD WOMAN, there is no rebuilding. So be wise in your walk regarding her.  On the flip side, when you know you want to cross over to the courting phase (you see true potential in marriage), BE CLEAR! Just make it known. Say things like “Are you seeing anyone else? If so, I don’t want to see anyone else but you so how can we make that happen?” Or “Encase you didn’t know already, you’re the only woman I am seeing. If you’re not doing the same, can we be exclusive?” (Just trying to help my shy brother’s out) By making it clear where you want to take things, you are leading the lady. Oh and can I mention, whenever you are courting your lady, maintain her security. To lead a lady, she must feel secure with the man she is with. That means honoring your word and when you fall short owning up to it versus redirecting it on something or someone else; especially when the someone else is HER! Be productive (have a career game plan or business in place your pursuing or building), I’m sorry most independent women are not interested in the “Come up brother”.  You know the one who is working on his business plan, but not implementing or showing any advancement in it. Ah no! Not going to work. When stressful situations hit, she needs to know that you know how to bounce back. In other words show her your resiliency. She needs to know that you can handle stress when it comes and how to partner with you as you lead the way out of it.  Yea, that part is crucial. Lastly, fella’s PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t tell the lady you want to lead what she wants to hear all the time. Tell her what she NEEDS to hear balanced with what she wants to hear. When you walk in truth you allow her to see that she can trust that you have her best interest at heart in good and bad times. That my friends speaks volumes to a woman! So as you continue on in your pursuits of healthy relationships; remember ladies and gents to do your best to speak and walk in truth and be clear on your intent. By doing so, you will save yourself much heartache and headache! Wishing You Peace and Prosperity Cole
0

Dating, love, Relationships
It’s been a long time since we’ve last chatted. My goodness has it! We won’t talk about how long, let’s just move on shall we? So in my attempts to make the world of dating a better place, I am spreading a little dating advice for my ladies (sorry guys, I will have another post for you in the near future. Stay tuned!) Having been married for 10 years with two kids a house and dog (yea that part right there), and spending time out here in the dating world in today’s time, I have found that the way people go about dating these days has DRASTICALLY changed. Gone are the days of batting your eyes, glancing his way a couple of times, laughing at his jokes and telling his friends how awesome you think he is in order to let him know you’re interested. No my friends, we now have the side piece, call me shorty, friend with benefits, marriage is a business dating era. And as crazy as it may sound, I actually sympathize with any woman who has been in any of these titles. Why? Because often times the reason she even allowed herself to become subjected to this type of treatment, was mainly due to the lack of healing she did not gain from previous relationships. So the cycle continues and unfortunately leaves the woman who “just wants to find a good guy” stuck with a DUD! So what is a DUD? Thanks to my big brother, I have grown very fond of acronyms. So out of my dating experience I have deemed the DUD to be a Drastically Underdeveloped Date. Now before you go having a conniption fit, let me explain what I mean by drastically underdeveloped.  Let’s take a little word stroll: 1.      They don’t know what they want yet, but they know it when they see it (even though in most cases what you see isn’t what’s real) 2.      They are just looking for someone to chill with, nothing too serious. (Ok seriously? I can chill at home alone. I don’t need a partner for that) 3.      They are a serial online dater, looking for the next nice nightly hookup (Eww! That’s all I got for that one) 4.      They are looking for a well-established woman to “build” with as they come up in their vision (reality is they don’t really know what their vision is and you having one helps him look good until he figures it out) 5.      They are in a committed relationship (wife or courtship) but it just isn’t doing it for them completely. You understand them and they want to be friends. Totally innocent and platonic. They just need someone to help them work through the relationship difficulties (ok so this isn’t even dating, but I can’t tell you how many times during girlfriend convo’s I hear about this type of snare) I could go on and on with these scenarios but they all end with the same theme…a D.U.D! So how do you avoid them? Well to be honest I haven’t found that you can avoid them, the right question to ask is how to handle them when they arise. Here are some ways I decipher and dispose of a D.U.D. Be upfront about who you are and what you’re about women standing strong From the way you position yourself physically by way of your posture, facial expressions, clothing style, and even your vernacular, they all tell a story about who you are. Do your best to make sure the story you’re telling through these different means lines up with who you are inside. It all matters! Be who you are not what you think one wants to see. Be nice nasty when it’s needed…  jennifer anniston smirk This one is my fav! Only because I get to be classy but still sassy and throw them off all at the same time! Ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t get enjoyment off of being mean. But there is a time when one takes your kind heart or kind way of telling them no as a challenge to try again, and THAT is where the nice nasty trick comes in handy. When a person keeps trying to get their agenda accomplished with you after it has been clearly laid out that it’s not going to happen, then you give them the nice nasty. The nice nasty is a simple way to make your intent clear but with an added “I’m not kidding, stop!” tone to it. You can say things like “So you’re just going to keep at it after I’ve already told you huh? That’s not smart.” Then smirk. Or “See I know you have sense, I’ve witnessed it. So I’m going to reiterate what I said just encase you weren’t clear. Umm K?” (Insert smirk). Are you getting the point now? It’s a tough toned sentence with the body posture that’s pleasant. It’s being sarcastic with style. beyonce strut Just walk away and leave them where they lay! A person can only be so nice for so long. You can only have so many conversations and flip no so many types of ways. What you will end up doing is keeping yourself in their endless cycle of “chase” that you’re not trying to be a part of if you don’t just stop interacting and walk away. The key to getting a behavior to stop is to not encourage it. Stop answering their calls or responding to their text messages. Stop smiling when they try and talk to you about keeping that thing they call a “relationship” or “dating” going. Put it all to a halt! They will get it and move on to the next possible victim (and I hope they get smart and do the same as you). Now if this guy just keeps trying with you…well that’s another topic that will have to be addressed for the future (It’s called Craaazyyyy!!). For now, when dealing with DUD’s try to remember you attract what you are and if you don’t want what you attract, check what you’re placing out there and change it. Much Love Stay Resilient Pursue Passions and Be Intentional In All That You Do! Cole
1

Dating, love, Relationships
If you know anything about soul food, you know that it gives you a feeling internally that is unmatched when prepared by the right hands. The atmosphere it’s prepared in usually feels like home, the aroma of it makes you smile from ear to ear as you envision what it will be like when you finally get a bite of it. Once eaten, this type of food leaves you immensely satisfied. What if you could get that same feeling when you connect with ones soul? Is it possible? Of course it is!!! Often times I hear from women that dating in the world today is getting more and more tricky. Finding the one person to build a life with has become more contractual than conceptual, time passing not fulfilling. Seemingly a big game of adult play. Or is it? Have we become so inundate in being the better versions of “Bradgelina” (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie), “Benifer” (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez  yea I know you forgot about them huh?) the fun loving ever embracing of all people The Smith’s (that would be Will and Jada) or the monopolizing power couple “Jay and Queen B” (if you didn’t know that’s Jay Z and Beyonce), that we want the “appearance” of a great relationship, but not the work of one. Are we so caught up in the “what it should look like” phenomena that we no longer know how to make soul connections? It appears that the digital, instant relationship status on Facebook desires have turned us into robotic beings when it comes to building lasting relationships. So how do you break this and gain more? How do you know if you have a long lasting love or a lustful liar. I’m so glad you asked, here are my thoughts: Don’t rush into anything!!! Image result for rushing into a relationship images We women are great at stating a solid case to our girlfriends to the point where we have them so convinced, even the most obvious signs of trouble are missed because we’ve came up with reasons why they aren’t. Sloooooow down! To the girlfriends who hear their love struck friends, be honest and take the risk to hurt temporarily in order to save her from great pain later.
  1. Develop a friendship- Can I talk to you? Candidly? Be myself completely? Are we like minded? Communication is huge!! Don’t make excuses if it’s difficult.
  2. No Sex! Sex messes our brains up ladies. We are emotional creatures. Once we put sex on the table we have distorted our view to see clearly with the feeling that sex gives. The sex becomes more desirable and we miss what the person is showing us about their true character. It can wait.
  3. Skip timelines and seek peace and purpose ties- Is there more peace or chaos when you two collide? Is there purpose being fulfilled or purpose being delayed? Do you see them manifesting things in their life or are they just doing whatever you’re into with no direction of their own? (This really matters for goal driven women. Pay attention) Often times we get caught up with how much time has passed or how much time we’ve waited to have someone, that we focus more on that than the compatibility component.
  4. Moving in together with talks of marriage and no ring, major NO! NO!- Ok so I am going to ruffle some feathers here by being old school. A man who prepares a home for you can lead you (strong independent woman). A man who moves into yours will be led by you. I have talked to countless women who have been the leader of many relationships and they will tell you; if he can’t have a home/business/purpose on his own and invite you into it, he isn’t ready to build another with you! If you desire a man to lead you, if you desire to have security that goes beyond his finances, you must see how he leads without you. How does he handle adversity without you? How does he bounce back from setbacks without you? How does he care and provide for himself without you!? You can’t see it if your combing finances, homes etc. early on. My suggestion? Give yourself a year minimum before you even think of teaming up. A year passes quickly (look at 2016 and how 2017 is moving), give time the chance to reveal true character. Don’t allow desperation to distract you from destiny and ultimately cause you great destruction. It/he can wait!
Above all these suggestions and words of wisdom I’ve obtained from the very pitfalls of life I’ve experienced, let the word of God guide you. To help kick it off for you, here are some scriptures to meditate on and use when applicable. 1 Timothy 3:12: “A deacon must be faithful to his wife and must manage his children and his household well.” Proverbs 14:23: “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.” I love that one because it is so plain; basically if he talks more than he proves RUN! There is nothing more painful than to get involved with anyone that does more talking than doing and ultimately fills you up with hopes of a great life with them only to find that they don’t want to truly put in the work required to have that life. Do yourself a favor, look to have a soulful connection that transcends way beyond physical touch, it is by the fruits of the spirit that you will know where their heart truly lies. For many want to be married but not for the same nor right reasons. Happy soul searching!! Cole  
0

Relationships, Uncategorized
Well it’s been some time since my last post and boy have I missed this! But during my hiatus, I tell you I have learned much and seen much and have much to share! I’d like to kick it off with the word AGENDA. Merriam Webster defines the word as “a list of things to be considered or done. A plan or goal that guides someone’s behavior and that is often kept secret.” man with question mark Now when I read that definition and then think about the way we can interpret either one, the ending will leave you feeling that it’s a negative word. Whenever we hear or read the word secret, it can leave one feeling like they are about to partake in, have been, or will be deceived or be deceiving. Although this may be true in some instances, let’s take the second definition away and just focus on the first half. So here’s the truth..EVERYONE HAS AGENDA’S!! I know I know let me guess, not you right? You want people to know you are who you are and nothing more or less. That’s cool. No really it is. But just know, WE ALL DESIRE SOMETHING IN LIFE and depending on the TACTICS we use to get them, our agenda’s will be perceived accordingly. The best way to make sure your goals are received and accomplished the right way in the relationships you cultivate, is to be honest about the WHY. Often times people know WHAT you want, but they don’t always know WHY you want it and more importantly WHY you want it from them. S0000 how about you tell them! kanye shrug Here’s how:
  1. Compliments Create Conversation
    • “This is the best party. How did you come up with this idea?”
    • “You look great. Where do you get your sense of style?”
    • “I admire how you have built your brand. What advice would you give to someone in the beginning stages of building their own brand?”
  2. Always think Servitude (Where do they have a need that you can assist with?)
    • Offer/Provide your time
    • Extend your gfts and or talents
    • Give of your resources
  3. Grow Organically (If it’s meant to be it will be)
    • Connect through social media
    • Have small talk when at mutual events
    • Be kind and authentic. Never try to be someone you are not to gain their attention
When it’s all said and done, you cannot force anyone to believe what you believe nor do what you want them to do. Not if you want to have healthy, genuine, long-lasting relationships. You must be you in your most authentic form, allow the energy you project bring forth what you want to connect up with and then let God do the rest (at least that what I do). Try it and let me know how it goes! Tell next Monday have a great week and Be Intentional! Cole
2

Relationships
How many times have you found yourself in a spot of betrayal? Said to yourself “I never imagined this would happen” or better yet “I would have never thought they would do such a thing!” These statements and many others are the tails I’ve heard and even said in my years of learning people and building relationships. These very statements are the signs that you have been a victim of an opportunist. You may or may not know what an opportunist is or even how they surface, but I can almost bet that you have been victim to one in some form or another. So who are these people? An opportunist simply put, is an individual who seizes every opportunity to improve life for themselves. Basically, if it doesn’t help them, they don’t do it. Now, when you think of it this way you would think everyone should spot an opportunist the moment they appear. The only problem with this thought is that an opportunist does not allow themselves to be spotted in plain view. They have crafted a skill and depending on how advanced one is in their opportunistic ways, they can get what they desire and move on to the next without ever being detected. Its rather quite stomach turning to know the depths of how far this personality will go to get what they want. But what’s worse and much more life threatening is if you deny this type of person exists and ignore the signs when it’s happening to you. Spotting the Loyal Liar What do they talk about the most with you?
  • Money
  • Sex
  • Influence (fame, recognition, leadership, authority or power)
Above are some trigger topics that you will hear often from many people. But the key to zone in on is what is it that the people around you talk the most to YOU specifically about and do they benefit others as much as themselves or just themselves? The triggers I listed above are common topics that most opportunist will use. If you have something they want, they will repeat that thing every time they are with you until they get it. It can be subtle and often layered in with casual conversation or it can be blatantly done to the point you dismiss it as a joke. No matter how its done, pay close attention to the frequency of it. This will tell you if you have a possible opportunist in your midst. Is there a pattern in their presence?
  • They always seem to have an emergency that needs your assistance
  • They take from you but you can hardly count the ways they have given back to you or can be relied on when you are in need
  • Around for the good times but never the bad times
  • They often make more “I” than “We” statements when collaborating with you on something
  • They often tell you what you want or need to hear but with no action tied to it
These are just a few beginning signs that you may encounter with the opportunist in your life. Keep in mind a master manipulator will often be able to hide these signs making it more difficult to pick up on their schemes. One tried and true way of knowing if you are in the presence of an opportunist is the way you feel when they leave you. When a person is adding value to your life you feel empowered to be better. When a person is continuously taking from you, there is a void that remains when they leave you. You feel less energized often down and in some cases of no value to others. An opportunist is like a leach. Once they have made all the withdraws they can make from you, they move on to the more abundant victim, leaving you lifeless, depleted and broken. When you recognize that this person exist in your life, begin taking immediate measures to not only remove them from your life, but learn to recognize early on when this person tries to enter your life and stop them before they can even start the preying process. The value of your life should never be negotiated it should be celebrated! #beintentional #bewise
0

Relationships
So you have just got out of a long term relationship or marriage and that itch of loneliness begins to rear it’s head. You block out all the thoughts that try to come about your ex and anything that reminds you of them, but no matter your strong efforts you still find yourself battling loneliness. You begin hanging out more with friends, doing more things to fill up your time like reading or working out, but nothing seems to fill the void where the person once was. Then in an instant the right man or woman comes into you life fills the void and places you on cloud nine!! I mean you are so far up that no one could see you or tell you anything even if they wanted to. Life is good!! Life is so good that you began to leave your great friends behind because you just don’t have time and now begin changing your entire life to fit the void that has been filled. I mean after all they are worth it right? So since they are worth it, why do you still feel empty? Ever asked that question? Or how about this, why do I not feel the same as I once did when it all first started? They haven’t changed and I haven’t changed but something is changing. Two things are happening here: 1) The wounds from your prior relationship(s) are reopening and pain is coming back. 2) The person you thought was ideal to fill your void turns out to be nothing of what you originally had in mind. How do we get here? How do we fall so easily for someone and not cover all the bases before doing so? What causes us to repeat cycles of pain that could be easily avoided? Well my friends, just like two things can make it happen, there are two primary things that can help us maintain control over them. Patience and Perseverance. You must allow yourself time to heal and that takes Patience. You didn’t fall for this person overnight and it’s going to take time to get over them and move forward in your life. With Patience you need Perseverance to keep going. You need that inner drive that tells you no matter what you go through, hear or see you deserve the partner you desire and you can weed out the mess to get to them. Just takes a little practice. Patience Time can’t move fast enough when you have no PATIENCE. Time will challenge your every nerve, rock your world in every way as it relates to healing from a breakup. The key to maintaining patience is looking ahead to what you DESIRE and not focusing on what you lost. It’s easy to get lost in the drama of all the things you and that former partner could of done or had, but why not focus your efforts on what you learned that they couldn’t give you and look for those attributes in what you desire in the future. When dating take it slow! Go in with the mindset of I am just getting to know them and nothing more. If it blossoms great if it doesn’t no biggie. We are going to have fun and enjoy life in this moment. No pressure and no promises. Take all things with a light heart for at least 6-12 months depending on how long you were in your last relationship. This will not only give your wounds more time to truly heal, but you will also prevent unnecessary hurdles for you and the other person to overcome as it relates to comparisons of the past. Everyone deserves to be given a chance to start with a clean slate. Especially when they were not the ones who hurt you. Patience also gives you a chance to really know if a person you start to be involved with should remain a hang out buddy or something deeper. Time reveals much! perseverance Perseverance reminds you that you DO DESERVE what you DESIRE and no matter how much one tells you that you are being unrealistic, you must believe that you can and you will get it. How you keep that hope alive is by looking for examples around you. If it’s a happy balanced marriage look for couples you know who display this and ask how they keep it going. if it’s a strong leader or goal oriented partner look for someone who displays those characteristics and ask how they learned to be that way. Whatever it is you are looking for in your relationships find the example ask questions, seek answers and repeat the process. You can never have enough examples of what you desire. The more examples you have the more proof you will have to support your decision to wait and fight to have such a thing. Like the picture above shows, the obstacle may look impossible but all you need is one example and a strong will and it CAN be so! Breakups on any level are hard and heartbreaking, but with the right tools, support and mindset you can be an over comer of them and have a happy whole ever after. Just keep pursuing PATIENCE press thru with PERSEVERANCE and your PROMISE will be had! Much Love Cole
0

Career, Relationships

Oh how I love social media!! There was a time when you had to wonder what was going on with this household, that relationship or co-worker. Now you just log onto your favorite social media site and you can pretty much learn all you want to know! It’s funny at times, but in most cases very scary and downright sad. There was a time when one would say “What happens in this house, stays in this house.” Now its “Let’s show how REAL we really are and post it!” Let’s show the people that we are no different than the next person. We are human just like you” Now I am all about  being authentic and transparent with people when it will benefit them and help them succeed in life. But I do not agree with telling my every move and keeping people up to speed on every possible move I make. There has to be balance to everything and social media is no different.

I have watched countless relationships get ruined or badly damaged due to social media output. I have seen women and men attack each other on a whole other level just to be relevant or popular. Or the ones who have deep wounds that have not healed and bleed their feelings all over social media pages to gain support and strength. Both can be very unhealthy and detrimental to ones future. Therefore, managing this big resource will be key to maintaining your focus and protecting your goals and the people in life surrounding them. So how does one stay in touch with the ever changing social world and maintain privacy? Great question! Let’s take a look:

status update

Relationship statuses need not be a priority to post

If you are not married leave the relationship status option alone. Here’s the deal, we all know that people change, things change etc. etc. Unless the ultimate commitment has been made, that being marriage, you run the risk of appearing unstable or one who tends to “play the field” quite a bit if you get my drift. If you’re a serial dater or use the online dating option quite a bit, use caution in giving updates with photos of who you’re out with. As we all know when things are going great in the relationship world, everyone and their cousin wants to throw some type of negativity on it. It’s almost like the universe of hate decides to bless you with all things ugly. You get inbox/text/voicemail messages from people you don’t know saying “I felt you should know..” or “Beware they are known to..” all in an attempt to sabotage your happiness or bring about drama to watch unfold.  Save yourself the extra stress by saving this update for when it matters most and that would be when your tax filing status has changed.

selfie photo

Self Centered Selfies – “Let me take a selfie”

Oh the famous selfie. Instagram, Facebook and Twitter are inundated with selfies galore! Everywhere you scroll you tend to see a selfie. I admit they can be fun to post and humorous often times, but when the selfie turns into a “look at me” daily scheduled event, it can be down right annoying. A recent 2013 Facebook survey stated “Facebook users found that posting photos of oneself correlates with lower levels of social support from and intimacy with Facebook friends (except for those marked as Close Friends).” The lead author of the study suggests that “those who frequently post photographs on Facebook risk damaging real-life relationships.” In other words, people don’t want to be forced to like you because you take photos and look for likes to be tagged to it; even from your closest friends. It becomes almost an obligation for them rather than a sincere compliment. Although selfies are the norm for social media, use them more at networking/business events, sporting events, conferences etc. Basically limit your self-centered photos of being in the bathroom, in your car, or in the bed for that special someone or practical jokes. It might just save you a ton of embarrassment and or even your job!

dramatic

No more drama please

You know this person. One minute they are happy the next minute someone has psst them completely off then the next minute they are hopelessly in-love then the next moment the world is ending. Dear God! Make it stop! I got annoyed just typing that up. Ladies I have to really go hard on you with this one because this is primarily done by our gender. Yes we are emotional creatures, nurturers and guiders of this vast world; but does everyone need to see your emotions flood their timeline? I think not. For my most sensitive male, the one who is “in touch” with his feelings this goes for you too. We all have those days when the world of feelings just hit us every which a way. I mean slap us in such a way we want to scream. But please for the sanity of those who love you and for your reputation leave the drama for inside your home or your therapist. Believe it or not, many employers use Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn as a primary source of getting insight into who you really are. You don’t want to miss out on a great opportunity all because you decided to share your every waking feeling with the world.

At the end of the day, we all have our shortcomings or less than favorable ways that some people just won’t deal with. The key is to let those traits be seen by those individuals in a controlled and less public manner. Because what you do now, truly does come back to you in the future when sharing it on social media. Stay cautious my friends.

Much Love

~Cole~

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Relationships, Uncategorized
We all have had a time when we gave our all to a person, position or project and was left feeling unappreciated, abused and just plain used. There was a level of vulnerability that you allowed to be displayed that left you open to be hurt in a major way. You’ve shed some tears, broke some things and maybe even went into hiding to get beyond the pain. But sometimes even with all those tactics and maneuvering to clear up the residue of the pain inflicted on you, it sometimes still lingers. Its frustrating because all you want is to be free of the reminders of it and move on with your life and for some reason you just cant!  Well my friend have you considered that the issue may be the people that surround you? Could it be that these very individuals are the ones causing the remnant of pain? I know often times we don’t want to think that someone close to us is causing us additional pain, but the fact is the very people closest to us are sometimes the very ones hindering our success in life. So once you identify who they are what do you do? How do you handle such a delicate situation? How do you possibly open up the conversation and how do you move forward after you’ve had it? Do you just dive right in with no chaser? Or warm them up to it by creating the right environment to discuss the issues. Neither are horrible the main thing is to do it. Its your life and you must take control. Taking control requires courage and confidence. but you can do it! When having to take these measures give a few of these tips a try: 1. Meet a neutral place Do not meet at “the spot” that is your normal hanging place to chat or catch up. You need to meet in a neutral spot where the distractions will be minimal and the interaction can be more focused. 2. No small talk Normally when you meet up with a friend you two discuss a little small talk. What happened on the way, who called you just before you got there etc. The tone of this conversation is serious and you want to make it known that you mean what you say and you must say what you mean. 3. Leave no stone unturned Speak freely and frankly. Do not beat around the bush with your feelings on the matter nor leave out certain things that you just don’t feel like going into at the time. If it hurt you, held you back or seems to be a repetitive issue address it. 4. Let them say their peace If by chance the relationship can be saved you must allow them a chance to say their side. You cannot control the entire conversation, dump all your concerns on them and not give them a chance to respond. Even if the relationship is not salvageable, its always healthy to hear what the other has to say to create that closure many of us like or need to have. It either confirms what you already knew or creates awareness of things you didn’t. When everything has been laid out on the table there is a weight that can be lifted off of you emotionally which allows you to move forward in life freely without hesitation due to the past. Now of course there is no right or wrong way to address a situation that is hurting you. The most important factor is to address it. Do not allow another moment of your life to be stolen away due to poor habits, lifestyle choices or influences. Deal with them and remove as necessary. It’s your life and you deserve to live it in abundance! Much Love ~Cole~
5

Relationships
We live in a world where everyone has to be known for something or by someone. We hear things like who are you wearing?, Who are you here with?, What do you do?, or even How did you get to be you? In this world, one is more recognizable through the channels in which they associate, rather than the deeds they have accomplished. These days a celebrity is nothing more than an individual comprised of many identities they have accumulated over time. Is this healthy? No. Will it get you where you want to be? Temporarily yes, long-term No. In the world of social media, the promoter of instant gratification mayhem of masks, you really have to dig deep and do a true analysis on some people to know what you’re connecting to. Now when I say who you are connecting to, this applies to friends, associates, life partners or those being considered for one of the categories mentioned. In the ever changing digital age, we must spend more time knowing WHO the person is versus WHAT they present themselves to be. So how do you know? How can you truly see the inner most makings of a person? How can you decipher what is real versus what is fake? The answer is much easier than you think and is plain as can be. You must be observant. Yep! I said the obvious, be observant. Now as simple as the word is, the error most of us make is we don’t know what to observe. We often try to look at too many things and we miss what is looking us straight in our face. You have to develop a childlike type view when dealing with new people as well as the ones who are currently in your life. To be childlike is to view a person without any excuses associated. When they behave a certain way or say a thing, you take it for what it is. You do not start to analyze nor reason with what happened you just accept it. As you continue your quest to chase true identities and live in truth, try these tactics to uncover what is real: The Imitator – They try on many identities searching for their own. They follow people they think are highly admired and then begin to learn and take on their characteristics so they too can be well liked and accepted. They cannot commit long to anything and if they do it is because of the attention it gives them and the celebrity type status it affords them. This individual will go to great lengths to gain attention and acknowledgement. From posting every move they make on Facebook and Instagram, to even damaging another’s reputation for the sake of making themselves look good. There are no limits to satisfying their urge to be the IT person. They are fun to be around but not the most trustworthy to confide in. Life can be light and carefree with them just take much of what they do and say for face value. The Cyclist – Deja Vu will be felt a lot in the company of this individual for they are very predictable. They carry both good and bad habits that will be seen time and time again with no signs of change. Because of their destruction behavior, you will want to try to help them; but no matter what you do no matter how much they say they appreciate you and want to change, they end up repeating the same cycles. This type of individual can frustrate the mess out of you and drain all your energy if you’re not careful. The best way to handle them is to listen when needed, offer no advice voluntarily and guard your heart by not becoming to attached to them. You have to take a take them or leave them approach until true cycles are broken in their life. This person means no harm they just have not gained enough courage to grow and live beyond their comfort zone and for the goal-oriented type its a poorly matched relationship. The Influencer – A giver of self in all facets. A person who devotes their time, their skills, their knowledge essentially their life for the greater good. The characteristics of this individual is of sound moral values and a walk of great integrity, They are admired by many and inspite of much attention and adoration they are the most humble beings you could ever encounter. You will tend to see a strong faith based core about them and a joy that is unspeakable. It almost appears that nothing could bother them. Even on their worst day they still give a smile and an encouraging word to lift ones day. They are pastor’s, leaders in corporations, pillars of their families and the one everyone seems to go to for sound advice. You gain much wisdom from this type of person and they make you feel as though there is nothing you can’t overcome and push you to be your best. An ideal friend and partner for life. The Manipulator – The beast of all beast in character traits and con artist extraordinaire. They take and take with no regard of how it affects anyone but themselves. This individual comprises all the other character traits listed earlier into one. A multi-talented persona that can will almost anything into existence by learning what makes you tick and using it against you. The strength of this type of person is they know how to befriend many with great charisma and style. It is effortless for them to appear as one thing when truly they are another. An actor at its best putting on an Oscar winning performance. Telling them your deepest darkest fears or dreams is a deadly trap for their prey. For once they have you, its hell to get out of their grips. Blackmail is a major tool in their tool belt. The way to know you are dealing with a manipulator is by watching how they over compliment you and under value others that are around you. If they always “seem” to be so much like you or have so much in common with you or always agree with you with very little opposing thoughts, you just may have a manipulator on your hands. Nothing good comes from being associated with them. Your time with them will always be limited for you only have a purpose in life momentarily until the next best thing comes along to replace you. For your peace of mind and overall health in life period, I advise you to steer clear! As you continue to build healthy peaceful relationships, always remember to see past the masks and look deeper. Don’t identify yourself through other people, identify the self in the people. Much Love Cole
0

Dating, Relationships
Have you ever played the “I can be what you need me to be” role? Have you ever found yourself in limbo with a person, position, or decision that you had to make and found it simpler to play in the grey? When I say play in the grey, I am saying you actually live, breathe, eat, sleep and play in a role that is NOT you. You say you can “just be friends” when in reality you yearn to know what its like to be more. You say you are ok with taking on a position or role that is way beyond your experience or desires of choice; while inside secretly wanting something or someone else. So why do we do this? Why do we often try on 50 Shades of Grey? Is it fear of losing? Is it the unbearable thought of having to go it alone in something? Is it due to lack of belief that you can or should ask for or have more? Or could it be just a matter of comfort and predictability? No matter the reason 50 Shades of Grey is NOT OK. Here’s why: 1) The only person who ever gets hurt or damaged will be you
  • The person or entity you are playing in the grey for will reap much reward, while you suffer by not being true to self
  • Being in the grey is a place of instability. You will never truly know where you stand for grey is always complicated
  • You deny yourself the chance to be truly happy and fulfilled by sacrificing your desires for someone elses
2) You are not in control when you play in the grey
  • Manipulation is the key player in this role. It does not play fair and it controls you by using your desires against you
  • Deception is what you fall prey to both as the player and the opponent. You are not who you say and the battle you fight is within to maintain a role that does not fit you nor is good for you
  • Emotions run extremely high like a roller coaster ride. At any time the tide can turn and immense pain and suffering can and will appear
No matter how you slice it Grey is meant to Prey on your weaknesses and cause you to deter from your desires and needs. When seeking a relationship with anyone, both personal or professional I advise you to be black or white. You will remain clear on the intent of the individual and you will not have to play any games to gain the ultimate goal desired. If you mix black and white for a shade of grey, you are only asking to be placed in an endless cycle of plans that go nowhere fast. Grey may get you laid, but can and will get your heart slayed. Grey may even get you paid, but will devalue and degrade. Grey can seem to work just fine for a great amount of time, but in the end grey always leaves you left behind. My friend I tell you this with all sincerity and with a soft plea, 50 Shades of Grey is NOT OK. How do I know? 50 Shades of Grey was me. Cole
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