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desires – My Blog
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Dating, love, Relationships
It’s been a long time since we’ve last chatted. My goodness has it! We won’t talk about how long, let’s just move on shall we? So in my attempts to make the world of dating a better place, I am spreading a little dating advice for my ladies (sorry guys, I will have another post for you in the near future. Stay tuned!) Having been married for 10 years with two kids a house and dog (yea that part right there), and spending time out here in the dating world in today’s time, I have found that the way people go about dating these days has DRASTICALLY changed. Gone are the days of batting your eyes, glancing his way a couple of times, laughing at his jokes and telling his friends how awesome you think he is in order to let him know you’re interested. No my friends, we now have the side piece, call me shorty, friend with benefits, marriage is a business dating era. And as crazy as it may sound, I actually sympathize with any woman who has been in any of these titles. Why? Because often times the reason she even allowed herself to become subjected to this type of treatment, was mainly due to the lack of healing she did not gain from previous relationships. So the cycle continues and unfortunately leaves the woman who “just wants to find a good guy” stuck with a DUD! So what is a DUD? Thanks to my big brother, I have grown very fond of acronyms. So out of my dating experience I have deemed the DUD to be a Drastically Underdeveloped Date. Now before you go having a conniption fit, let me explain what I mean by drastically underdeveloped.  Let’s take a little word stroll: 1.      They don’t know what they want yet, but they know it when they see it (even though in most cases what you see isn’t what’s real) 2.      They are just looking for someone to chill with, nothing too serious. (Ok seriously? I can chill at home alone. I don’t need a partner for that) 3.      They are a serial online dater, looking for the next nice nightly hookup (Eww! That’s all I got for that one) 4.      They are looking for a well-established woman to “build” with as they come up in their vision (reality is they don’t really know what their vision is and you having one helps him look good until he figures it out) 5.      They are in a committed relationship (wife or courtship) but it just isn’t doing it for them completely. You understand them and they want to be friends. Totally innocent and platonic. They just need someone to help them work through the relationship difficulties (ok so this isn’t even dating, but I can’t tell you how many times during girlfriend convo’s I hear about this type of snare) I could go on and on with these scenarios but they all end with the same theme…a D.U.D! So how do you avoid them? Well to be honest I haven’t found that you can avoid them, the right question to ask is how to handle them when they arise. Here are some ways I decipher and dispose of a D.U.D. Be upfront about who you are and what you’re about women standing strong From the way you position yourself physically by way of your posture, facial expressions, clothing style, and even your vernacular, they all tell a story about who you are. Do your best to make sure the story you’re telling through these different means lines up with who you are inside. It all matters! Be who you are not what you think one wants to see. Be nice nasty when it’s needed…  jennifer anniston smirk This one is my fav! Only because I get to be classy but still sassy and throw them off all at the same time! Ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t get enjoyment off of being mean. But there is a time when one takes your kind heart or kind way of telling them no as a challenge to try again, and THAT is where the nice nasty trick comes in handy. When a person keeps trying to get their agenda accomplished with you after it has been clearly laid out that it’s not going to happen, then you give them the nice nasty. The nice nasty is a simple way to make your intent clear but with an added “I’m not kidding, stop!” tone to it. You can say things like “So you’re just going to keep at it after I’ve already told you huh? That’s not smart.” Then smirk. Or “See I know you have sense, I’ve witnessed it. So I’m going to reiterate what I said just encase you weren’t clear. Umm K?” (Insert smirk). Are you getting the point now? It’s a tough toned sentence with the body posture that’s pleasant. It’s being sarcastic with style. beyonce strut Just walk away and leave them where they lay! A person can only be so nice for so long. You can only have so many conversations and flip no so many types of ways. What you will end up doing is keeping yourself in their endless cycle of “chase” that you’re not trying to be a part of if you don’t just stop interacting and walk away. The key to getting a behavior to stop is to not encourage it. Stop answering their calls or responding to their text messages. Stop smiling when they try and talk to you about keeping that thing they call a “relationship” or “dating” going. Put it all to a halt! They will get it and move on to the next possible victim (and I hope they get smart and do the same as you). Now if this guy just keeps trying with you…well that’s another topic that will have to be addressed for the future (It’s called Craaazyyyy!!). For now, when dealing with DUD’s try to remember you attract what you are and if you don’t want what you attract, check what you’re placing out there and change it. Much Love Stay Resilient Pursue Passions and Be Intentional In All That You Do! Cole

How many times have you found yourself in a spot of betrayal? Said to yourself “I never imagined this would happen” or better yet “I would have never thought they would do such a thing!” These statements and many others are the tails I’ve heard and even said in my years of learning people and building relationships. These very statements are the signs that you have been a victim of an opportunist. You may or may not know what an opportunist is or even how they surface, but I can almost bet that you have been victim to one in some form or another. So who are these people? An opportunist simply put, is an individual who seizes every opportunity to improve life for themselves. Basically, if it doesn’t help them, they don’t do it. Now, when you think of it this way you would think everyone should spot an opportunist the moment they appear. The only problem with this thought is that an opportunist does not allow themselves to be spotted in plain view. They have crafted a skill and depending on how advanced one is in their opportunistic ways, they can get what they desire and move on to the next without ever being detected. Its rather quite stomach turning to know the depths of how far this personality will go to get what they want. But what’s worse and much more life threatening is if you deny this type of person exists and ignore the signs when it’s happening to you. Spotting the Loyal Liar What do they talk about the most with you?
  • Money
  • Sex
  • Influence (fame, recognition, leadership, authority or power)
Above are some trigger topics that you will hear often from many people. But the key to zone in on is what is it that the people around you talk the most to YOU specifically about and do they benefit others as much as themselves or just themselves? The triggers I listed above are common topics that most opportunist will use. If you have something they want, they will repeat that thing every time they are with you until they get it. It can be subtle and often layered in with casual conversation or it can be blatantly done to the point you dismiss it as a joke. No matter how its done, pay close attention to the frequency of it. This will tell you if you have a possible opportunist in your midst. Is there a pattern in their presence?
  • They always seem to have an emergency that needs your assistance
  • They take from you but you can hardly count the ways they have given back to you or can be relied on when you are in need
  • Around for the good times but never the bad times
  • They often make more “I” than “We” statements when collaborating with you on something
  • They often tell you what you want or need to hear but with no action tied to it
These are just a few beginning signs that you may encounter with the opportunist in your life. Keep in mind a master manipulator will often be able to hide these signs making it more difficult to pick up on their schemes. One tried and true way of knowing if you are in the presence of an opportunist is the way you feel when they leave you. When a person is adding value to your life you feel empowered to be better. When a person is continuously taking from you, there is a void that remains when they leave you. You feel less energized often down and in some cases of no value to others. An opportunist is like a leach. Once they have made all the withdraws they can make from you, they move on to the more abundant victim, leaving you lifeless, depleted and broken. When you recognize that this person exist in your life, begin taking immediate measures to not only remove them from your life, but learn to recognize early on when this person tries to enter your life and stop them before they can even start the preying process. The value of your life should never be negotiated it should be celebrated! #beintentional #bewise

So you have just got out of a long term relationship or marriage and that itch of loneliness begins to rear it’s head. You block out all the thoughts that try to come about your ex and anything that reminds you of them, but no matter your strong efforts you still find yourself battling loneliness. You begin hanging out more with friends, doing more things to fill up your time like reading or working out, but nothing seems to fill the void where the person once was. Then in an instant the right man or woman comes into you life fills the void and places you on cloud nine!! I mean you are so far up that no one could see you or tell you anything even if they wanted to. Life is good!! Life is so good that you began to leave your great friends behind because you just don’t have time and now begin changing your entire life to fit the void that has been filled. I mean after all they are worth it right? So since they are worth it, why do you still feel empty? Ever asked that question? Or how about this, why do I not feel the same as I once did when it all first started? They haven’t changed and I haven’t changed but something is changing. Two things are happening here: 1) The wounds from your prior relationship(s) are reopening and pain is coming back. 2) The person you thought was ideal to fill your void turns out to be nothing of what you originally had in mind. How do we get here? How do we fall so easily for someone and not cover all the bases before doing so? What causes us to repeat cycles of pain that could be easily avoided? Well my friends, just like two things can make it happen, there are two primary things that can help us maintain control over them. Patience and Perseverance. You must allow yourself time to heal and that takes Patience. You didn’t fall for this person overnight and it’s going to take time to get over them and move forward in your life. With Patience you need Perseverance to keep going. You need that inner drive that tells you no matter what you go through, hear or see you deserve the partner you desire and you can weed out the mess to get to them. Just takes a little practice. Patience Time can’t move fast enough when you have no PATIENCE. Time will challenge your every nerve, rock your world in every way as it relates to healing from a breakup. The key to maintaining patience is looking ahead to what you DESIRE and not focusing on what you lost. It’s easy to get lost in the drama of all the things you and that former partner could of done or had, but why not focus your efforts on what you learned that they couldn’t give you and look for those attributes in what you desire in the future. When dating take it slow! Go in with the mindset of I am just getting to know them and nothing more. If it blossoms great if it doesn’t no biggie. We are going to have fun and enjoy life in this moment. No pressure and no promises. Take all things with a light heart for at least 6-12 months depending on how long you were in your last relationship. This will not only give your wounds more time to truly heal, but you will also prevent unnecessary hurdles for you and the other person to overcome as it relates to comparisons of the past. Everyone deserves to be given a chance to start with a clean slate. Especially when they were not the ones who hurt you. Patience also gives you a chance to really know if a person you start to be involved with should remain a hang out buddy or something deeper. Time reveals much! perseverance Perseverance reminds you that you DO DESERVE what you DESIRE and no matter how much one tells you that you are being unrealistic, you must believe that you can and you will get it. How you keep that hope alive is by looking for examples around you. If it’s a happy balanced marriage look for couples you know who display this and ask how they keep it going. if it’s a strong leader or goal oriented partner look for someone who displays those characteristics and ask how they learned to be that way. Whatever it is you are looking for in your relationships find the example ask questions, seek answers and repeat the process. You can never have enough examples of what you desire. The more examples you have the more proof you will have to support your decision to wait and fight to have such a thing. Like the picture above shows, the obstacle may look impossible but all you need is one example and a strong will and it CAN be so! Breakups on any level are hard and heartbreaking, but with the right tools, support and mindset you can be an over comer of them and have a happy whole ever after. Just keep pursuing PATIENCE press thru with PERSEVERANCE and your PROMISE will be had! Much Love Cole

We live in a world where everyone has to be known for something or by someone. We hear things like who are you wearing?, Who are you here with?, What do you do?, or even How did you get to be you? In this world, one is more recognizable through the channels in which they associate, rather than the deeds they have accomplished. These days a celebrity is nothing more than an individual comprised of many identities they have accumulated over time. Is this healthy? No. Will it get you where you want to be? Temporarily yes, long-term No. In the world of social media, the promoter of instant gratification mayhem of masks, you really have to dig deep and do a true analysis on some people to know what you’re connecting to. Now when I say who you are connecting to, this applies to friends, associates, life partners or those being considered for one of the categories mentioned. In the ever changing digital age, we must spend more time knowing WHO the person is versus WHAT they present themselves to be. So how do you know? How can you truly see the inner most makings of a person? How can you decipher what is real versus what is fake? The answer is much easier than you think and is plain as can be. You must be observant. Yep! I said the obvious, be observant. Now as simple as the word is, the error most of us make is we don’t know what to observe. We often try to look at too many things and we miss what is looking us straight in our face. You have to develop a childlike type view when dealing with new people as well as the ones who are currently in your life. To be childlike is to view a person without any excuses associated. When they behave a certain way or say a thing, you take it for what it is. You do not start to analyze nor reason with what happened you just accept it. As you continue your quest to chase true identities and live in truth, try these tactics to uncover what is real: The Imitator – They try on many identities searching for their own. They follow people they think are highly admired and then begin to learn and take on their characteristics so they too can be well liked and accepted. They cannot commit long to anything and if they do it is because of the attention it gives them and the celebrity type status it affords them. This individual will go to great lengths to gain attention and acknowledgement. From posting every move they make on Facebook and Instagram, to even damaging another’s reputation for the sake of making themselves look good. There are no limits to satisfying their urge to be the IT person. They are fun to be around but not the most trustworthy to confide in. Life can be light and carefree with them just take much of what they do and say for face value. The Cyclist – Deja Vu will be felt a lot in the company of this individual for they are very predictable. They carry both good and bad habits that will be seen time and time again with no signs of change. Because of their destruction behavior, you will want to try to help them; but no matter what you do no matter how much they say they appreciate you and want to change, they end up repeating the same cycles. This type of individual can frustrate the mess out of you and drain all your energy if you’re not careful. The best way to handle them is to listen when needed, offer no advice voluntarily and guard your heart by not becoming to attached to them. You have to take a take them or leave them approach until true cycles are broken in their life. This person means no harm they just have not gained enough courage to grow and live beyond their comfort zone and for the goal-oriented type its a poorly matched relationship. The Influencer – A giver of self in all facets. A person who devotes their time, their skills, their knowledge essentially their life for the greater good. The characteristics of this individual is of sound moral values and a walk of great integrity, They are admired by many and inspite of much attention and adoration they are the most humble beings you could ever encounter. You will tend to see a strong faith based core about them and a joy that is unspeakable. It almost appears that nothing could bother them. Even on their worst day they still give a smile and an encouraging word to lift ones day. They are pastor’s, leaders in corporations, pillars of their families and the one everyone seems to go to for sound advice. You gain much wisdom from this type of person and they make you feel as though there is nothing you can’t overcome and push you to be your best. An ideal friend and partner for life. The Manipulator – The beast of all beast in character traits and con artist extraordinaire. They take and take with no regard of how it affects anyone but themselves. This individual comprises all the other character traits listed earlier into one. A multi-talented persona that can will almost anything into existence by learning what makes you tick and using it against you. The strength of this type of person is they know how to befriend many with great charisma and style. It is effortless for them to appear as one thing when truly they are another. An actor at its best putting on an Oscar winning performance. Telling them your deepest darkest fears or dreams is a deadly trap for their prey. For once they have you, its hell to get out of their grips. Blackmail is a major tool in their tool belt. The way to know you are dealing with a manipulator is by watching how they over compliment you and under value others that are around you. If they always “seem” to be so much like you or have so much in common with you or always agree with you with very little opposing thoughts, you just may have a manipulator on your hands. Nothing good comes from being associated with them. Your time with them will always be limited for you only have a purpose in life momentarily until the next best thing comes along to replace you. For your peace of mind and overall health in life period, I advise you to steer clear! As you continue to build healthy peaceful relationships, always remember to see past the masks and look deeper. Don’t identify yourself through other people, identify the self in the people. Much Love Cole

Dating, Relationships
Have you ever played the “I can be what you need me to be” role? Have you ever found yourself in limbo with a person, position, or decision that you had to make and found it simpler to play in the grey? When I say play in the grey, I am saying you actually live, breathe, eat, sleep and play in a role that is NOT you. You say you can “just be friends” when in reality you yearn to know what its like to be more. You say you are ok with taking on a position or role that is way beyond your experience or desires of choice; while inside secretly wanting something or someone else. So why do we do this? Why do we often try on 50 Shades of Grey? Is it fear of losing? Is it the unbearable thought of having to go it alone in something? Is it due to lack of belief that you can or should ask for or have more? Or could it be just a matter of comfort and predictability? No matter the reason 50 Shades of Grey is NOT OK. Here’s why: 1) The only person who ever gets hurt or damaged will be you
  • The person or entity you are playing in the grey for will reap much reward, while you suffer by not being true to self
  • Being in the grey is a place of instability. You will never truly know where you stand for grey is always complicated
  • You deny yourself the chance to be truly happy and fulfilled by sacrificing your desires for someone elses
2) You are not in control when you play in the grey
  • Manipulation is the key player in this role. It does not play fair and it controls you by using your desires against you
  • Deception is what you fall prey to both as the player and the opponent. You are not who you say and the battle you fight is within to maintain a role that does not fit you nor is good for you
  • Emotions run extremely high like a roller coaster ride. At any time the tide can turn and immense pain and suffering can and will appear
No matter how you slice it Grey is meant to Prey on your weaknesses and cause you to deter from your desires and needs. When seeking a relationship with anyone, both personal or professional I advise you to be black or white. You will remain clear on the intent of the individual and you will not have to play any games to gain the ultimate goal desired. If you mix black and white for a shade of grey, you are only asking to be placed in an endless cycle of plans that go nowhere fast. Grey may get you laid, but can and will get your heart slayed. Grey may even get you paid, but will devalue and degrade. Grey can seem to work just fine for a great amount of time, but in the end grey always leaves you left behind. My friend I tell you this with all sincerity and with a soft plea, 50 Shades of Grey is NOT OK. How do I know? 50 Shades of Grey was me. Cole

Dating, Relationships
Hmmmmm?? What the heck are you talking about right? Double D’s? Yes I said it! Double D’s do you have them? First off, let me start off by saying I am NOT talking about your bra size. I am actually talking about Desire and Depth. Think about it when we start dating someone or choose to go out on a date with an individual, often times we have something in mind that we DESIRE. Whether its marriage, companionship with sex (yes I said it and many are looking for just that alone), lots of stability (aka men/women with money no love needed), a sense of entitlement, or just a hanging buddy to have a good laugh with. No matter what the desire we ALL DESIRE something!!!  Now the question then becomes to what DEPTH are you willing to go to gain what you DESIRE? Some of us have no depth at all, meaning we don’t think that much into it. Some of us have a great deal of depth and we can sometimes put too much thought into it. Either way, they come into play at some point in the process of interacting with one another. I am having the most interesting time figuring out what ones DESIRES and to what DEPTHS they wish to pursue those desires with me? I am a divorced mother of two and dating with kids IS NOT an easy tasks. There are so many variables that have to be considered when taking things to the NEXT level. This is why having those double d’s in mind are so important. I would even say for those who don’t have kids, you have a gamble you are taking as well if you don’t place those two areas into focus. Why? Well let’s look at it this way, when you have children, a business, a vision/dream you are raising/building, the last thing you need is someone who throws the entire unit off balance. You must know what you desire from them and to what depths you are willing to exchange with them in attaining it. So to help you find, keep and maintain your Double D perspective, here are some quick steps to take: 1) Desire- Rate on a scale of 1-10 how important this is to you and don’t change it according to the person in front of you at the moment. It is what it is and if they don’t fit, don’t try to make it work. 2) Depth- Decide how much time should be dedicated to see this desire fulfilled. Will it take 2 dates, 2 months of dating, 2 years of dating? How long are you willing to wait to see it come to pass? Also how much energy in that time frame are you putting into this person? Again this all depends on the time frame in which you want to see your desire fulfilled. 3) Respect- Only you know how important these desires are to you. No one will respect, cherish or honor your aspirations like you will. You also must learn to disagree agreeably with those who don’t wish to walk the path with you. Everyone isn’t your match made in heaven and that’s ok. And that’s it! If you were looking for more I am so sorry to disappoint you. Honestly life really doesn’t have to be that complicated and my goal is to help you see the simplicity in it. What you desire in life is your right and makes up who you are. Everyone isn’t going to want to tag along and in other instances many may. What you have to decide is who is deserving of being a part of your inner most DESIRES and to what DEPTHS you are willing to go to let them in. Much love! Cole