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Dating, love, Relationships
It’s been a long time since we’ve last chatted. My goodness has it! We won’t talk about how long, let’s just move on shall we? So in my attempts to make the world of dating a better place, I am spreading a little dating advice for my ladies (sorry guys, I will have another post for you in the near future. Stay tuned!) Having been married for 10 years with two kids a house and dog (yea that part right there), and spending time out here in the dating world in today’s time, I have found that the way people go about dating these days has DRASTICALLY changed. Gone are the days of batting your eyes, glancing his way a couple of times, laughing at his jokes and telling his friends how awesome you think he is in order to let him know you’re interested. No my friends, we now have the side piece, call me shorty, friend with benefits, marriage is a business dating era. And as crazy as it may sound, I actually sympathize with any woman who has been in any of these titles. Why? Because often times the reason she even allowed herself to become subjected to this type of treatment, was mainly due to the lack of healing she did not gain from previous relationships. So the cycle continues and unfortunately leaves the woman who “just wants to find a good guy” stuck with a DUD! So what is a DUD? Thanks to my big brother, I have grown very fond of acronyms. So out of my dating experience I have deemed the DUD to be a Drastically Underdeveloped Date. Now before you go having a conniption fit, let me explain what I mean by drastically underdeveloped.  Let’s take a little word stroll: 1.      They don’t know what they want yet, but they know it when they see it (even though in most cases what you see isn’t what’s real) 2.      They are just looking for someone to chill with, nothing too serious. (Ok seriously? I can chill at home alone. I don’t need a partner for that) 3.      They are a serial online dater, looking for the next nice nightly hookup (Eww! That’s all I got for that one) 4.      They are looking for a well-established woman to “build” with as they come up in their vision (reality is they don’t really know what their vision is and you having one helps him look good until he figures it out) 5.      They are in a committed relationship (wife or courtship) but it just isn’t doing it for them completely. You understand them and they want to be friends. Totally innocent and platonic. They just need someone to help them work through the relationship difficulties (ok so this isn’t even dating, but I can’t tell you how many times during girlfriend convo’s I hear about this type of snare) I could go on and on with these scenarios but they all end with the same theme…a D.U.D! So how do you avoid them? Well to be honest I haven’t found that you can avoid them, the right question to ask is how to handle them when they arise. Here are some ways I decipher and dispose of a D.U.D. Be upfront about who you are and what you’re about women standing strong From the way you position yourself physically by way of your posture, facial expressions, clothing style, and even your vernacular, they all tell a story about who you are. Do your best to make sure the story you’re telling through these different means lines up with who you are inside. It all matters! Be who you are not what you think one wants to see. Be nice nasty when it’s needed…  jennifer anniston smirk This one is my fav! Only because I get to be classy but still sassy and throw them off all at the same time! Ha! Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t get enjoyment off of being mean. But there is a time when one takes your kind heart or kind way of telling them no as a challenge to try again, and THAT is where the nice nasty trick comes in handy. When a person keeps trying to get their agenda accomplished with you after it has been clearly laid out that it’s not going to happen, then you give them the nice nasty. The nice nasty is a simple way to make your intent clear but with an added “I’m not kidding, stop!” tone to it. You can say things like “So you’re just going to keep at it after I’ve already told you huh? That’s not smart.” Then smirk. Or “See I know you have sense, I’ve witnessed it. So I’m going to reiterate what I said just encase you weren’t clear. Umm K?” (Insert smirk). Are you getting the point now? It’s a tough toned sentence with the body posture that’s pleasant. It’s being sarcastic with style. beyonce strut Just walk away and leave them where they lay! A person can only be so nice for so long. You can only have so many conversations and flip no so many types of ways. What you will end up doing is keeping yourself in their endless cycle of “chase” that you’re not trying to be a part of if you don’t just stop interacting and walk away. The key to getting a behavior to stop is to not encourage it. Stop answering their calls or responding to their text messages. Stop smiling when they try and talk to you about keeping that thing they call a “relationship” or “dating” going. Put it all to a halt! They will get it and move on to the next possible victim (and I hope they get smart and do the same as you). Now if this guy just keeps trying with you…well that’s another topic that will have to be addressed for the future (It’s called Craaazyyyy!!). For now, when dealing with DUD’s try to remember you attract what you are and if you don’t want what you attract, check what you’re placing out there and change it. Much Love Stay Resilient Pursue Passions and Be Intentional In All That You Do! Cole
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Relationships
So you have just got out of a long term relationship or marriage and that itch of loneliness begins to rear it’s head. You block out all the thoughts that try to come about your ex and anything that reminds you of them, but no matter your strong efforts you still find yourself battling loneliness. You begin hanging out more with friends, doing more things to fill up your time like reading or working out, but nothing seems to fill the void where the person once was. Then in an instant the right man or woman comes into you life fills the void and places you on cloud nine!! I mean you are so far up that no one could see you or tell you anything even if they wanted to. Life is good!! Life is so good that you began to leave your great friends behind because you just don’t have time and now begin changing your entire life to fit the void that has been filled. I mean after all they are worth it right? So since they are worth it, why do you still feel empty? Ever asked that question? Or how about this, why do I not feel the same as I once did when it all first started? They haven’t changed and I haven’t changed but something is changing. Two things are happening here: 1) The wounds from your prior relationship(s) are reopening and pain is coming back. 2) The person you thought was ideal to fill your void turns out to be nothing of what you originally had in mind. How do we get here? How do we fall so easily for someone and not cover all the bases before doing so? What causes us to repeat cycles of pain that could be easily avoided? Well my friends, just like two things can make it happen, there are two primary things that can help us maintain control over them. Patience and Perseverance. You must allow yourself time to heal and that takes Patience. You didn’t fall for this person overnight and it’s going to take time to get over them and move forward in your life. With Patience you need Perseverance to keep going. You need that inner drive that tells you no matter what you go through, hear or see you deserve the partner you desire and you can weed out the mess to get to them. Just takes a little practice. Patience Time can’t move fast enough when you have no PATIENCE. Time will challenge your every nerve, rock your world in every way as it relates to healing from a breakup. The key to maintaining patience is looking ahead to what you DESIRE and not focusing on what you lost. It’s easy to get lost in the drama of all the things you and that former partner could of done or had, but why not focus your efforts on what you learned that they couldn’t give you and look for those attributes in what you desire in the future. When dating take it slow! Go in with the mindset of I am just getting to know them and nothing more. If it blossoms great if it doesn’t no biggie. We are going to have fun and enjoy life in this moment. No pressure and no promises. Take all things with a light heart for at least 6-12 months depending on how long you were in your last relationship. This will not only give your wounds more time to truly heal, but you will also prevent unnecessary hurdles for you and the other person to overcome as it relates to comparisons of the past. Everyone deserves to be given a chance to start with a clean slate. Especially when they were not the ones who hurt you. Patience also gives you a chance to really know if a person you start to be involved with should remain a hang out buddy or something deeper. Time reveals much! perseverance Perseverance reminds you that you DO DESERVE what you DESIRE and no matter how much one tells you that you are being unrealistic, you must believe that you can and you will get it. How you keep that hope alive is by looking for examples around you. If it’s a happy balanced marriage look for couples you know who display this and ask how they keep it going. if it’s a strong leader or goal oriented partner look for someone who displays those characteristics and ask how they learned to be that way. Whatever it is you are looking for in your relationships find the example ask questions, seek answers and repeat the process. You can never have enough examples of what you desire. The more examples you have the more proof you will have to support your decision to wait and fight to have such a thing. Like the picture above shows, the obstacle may look impossible but all you need is one example and a strong will and it CAN be so! Breakups on any level are hard and heartbreaking, but with the right tools, support and mindset you can be an over comer of them and have a happy whole ever after. Just keep pursuing PATIENCE press thru with PERSEVERANCE and your PROMISE will be had! Much Love Cole
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